I took Oliver shopping the other day. In other words, I am a fool. Really I am. Who does that with a two and a half year old? Wait till I tell you where I took him. Pottery Barn (gasp!) among other places. Read on for our tale of folly...
First Stop-Home Depot
Mission: Return small ceramic pot. Purchase 3 cans of spray paint and chair leg pads. Simple enough, right?
Due to rain, all I could find were some very wet buggies (that is southern for “shopping cart”). So, I carried Oliver in the store as I waited in line to return the ceramic pot. Mistake #1. He is 40 lbs and ridiculously strong. Once he decides he doesn't want to be held it is an all out UFC cage match (Ultimate Fighting Championship, just in case you didn't know). As I juggled the ceramic pot, Oliver, and my purse, I realized I was an idiot. Of course, a buggy was nowhere to be found as this fight scene unfolded. The guy in front of me happened to be returning loads of stuff. Huge metal air vents or something absurd like that. Go figure. I looked sweetly at the man (sort of like Bambi), hoping he’d say “wow, little lady, looks like you have your hands full. Why don’t you go in front of me with your ONE item? Oh, and you know, I'll get you a dry buggy too.” I would then well up with tears and tell him what an honorable man he was. Alas, he was not the gentleman I had hoped. Shoot, how disappointing. As I was lost in thought about the stranger in front of me, Oliver hung upside down off the side of my hip. His head was basically on the floor. He decided it was really fun to go up and down, up and down, like he was starring in an ab infomercial. He cackled each time he pulled himself up. Can you visualize this? I think my back is still contorted. Do I look like playground equipment? Don't answer that. Anyway, by the time it was our turn, I almost broke the ding dang pot when I flung it on the counter. Once I got my $4.95 for the pot, I stopped to consider if it was enough to buy a back brace. Turns out it is not.
Second Stop-Pottery Barn: (What in tarnation was I thinking?)
Mission: Drool and covet things I do not need. Keep Oliver happy with lots of snacks. Try to keep said snacks off the Pottery Barn floor and merchandise.
I started my time at PB by lovingly touching a beautiful mercury glass candle holder. I thought of all the places I could prominently display it. It was really pretty but, I decided the price tag “Your Left Kidney” was probably too much for a decorative element that I did not need. Thankfully, after fondling the candle holder I still had time; this is only because I came prepared. I had an arsenal of snacks in my purse. I had crackers and fruit snacks coming out the ying-yang. Apparently, my little angel was very hungry that day. He scarfed down one cup of Goldfish in three minutes flat. Without a beverage to wash it down. How is that even possible? Then he scarfed down two bags of gummy fruit snacks (yes I do feed my child processed food, and highly recommend you stuff your purse with similar snacks). So all in all I got about 7 minutes in PB. Not much time when I spent my first 2 minutes on one candle holder. I'll have better time management next time. Ha, ha, ha, ha...next time. I am just kidding. I will never do that again.
Third Stop-The Gap/Gap Kids
Mission: Look for khaki shorts for Oliver.
There were no shorts, but in the 2 minutes we were in the Gap, Oliver did not disappoint. He literally broke into a full on River Dance (in his stroller) that knocked over at least two stacks of clothing. Hey Gap!-- if you are reading this, hold the disco music on volume level 400! It makes my toddler think he is an Irish man in a sequined shirt, with tap shoes, a paralyzed upper body, and wildly flailing legs. I don't need that in my life right now, thank you very much!
Last stop---World Market (THANK GOD!)
Mission: Not sure...
Oliver was on the verge of a melt down, the snacks and drinks were gone. It was not a good way to start. I suppose I thought this would be “ok” for a few minutes. I thought wrong. As we were going through the drinking glass aisle, (yes I was on the drinking glass aisle with Mr. River Dance) a cute vase caught my eye. As I pondered the value of half of my left kidney, out of the corner of my eye, I saw the stroller, with Oliver in it…WALKING AWAY. Yes, I said “walking away.” Oliver had somehow hoisted the stroller up on his back, like a turtle's shell, and started to shuffle away. I have never seen anything like it. What kid does this sort of thing? Who hijacks their own stroller in broad daylight?
3 comments:
Oh my goodness - I am literally in tears wtih laughter. So sorry you had such a tough time, but your post is hysterical. I have been in similar situations many times with Houston and Drake, although I have NEVER been so "lucky" as to see my child turn into a turtle and walk away with the stroller on his back. That takes the cake! Thinking of you all and continuing to keep you in our prayers,
Faison Sutton
LOL...Oh! I am so laughing at the image of Ollie the Stroller Turtle. That is hilarious and so determined!
I too have taken my boys shopping many times and later regretted it. Turkeys!
2 1/2 is such a tough age for outings. They still need to be reigned in for everyone's safety and are so loud about it! Mine anyway.
Thanks for your honesty & sharing. It helps all us moms to remember we are not alone in the craziness of parenting.
I laughed at loud at at least half of this, a river dancing toddler-turtle hybrid. It was an interesting course of getting to it, I saw your name on facebook (remembered from CHS with the help of the maiden name included double last name :)) as recently linking up to others I knew on there, and being nosy as I am started clicking and ended up on your blog's page. I just wanted to let you know how touching your blog is. I often read bits and pieces of updates and find them interesting but rarely as well and clearly written as yours with such obvious emotion behind them. It's a difficult thing to put words to extremely strong emotions and convey those feelings in a way that even those of us without children immediately feel a tug on our hearts for everything your family, especially Oliver are going through. My myriad of problems associated with my migraines affected my daily life for awhile until we were able to control them more consistently and they now affect me on more of a weekly basis. Years of doctors and tests, studies and trials to find something that worked and I know that as difficult as it was for me, it was and still may be most difficult for my mother (she shares the spotlight with my husband on that one now). I watched her sit by my hospital bed plenty of nights praying for something to give and simply wanted to let you know that there will be several more people praying for you on the 23rd for the best possible execution of God's plan, a surgeon's steady hands, and quick recovery for a beautiful little boy!
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